i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
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