I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
me + whiskey = a bad person
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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