Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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