so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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