And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
