mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
