Sponge bath it is.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
