All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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