fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
