if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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