I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
