she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
