i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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