I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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