and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
