Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
no you cant smoke seaweed
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
