I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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