forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Let's get the cat blown out
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
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