Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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