I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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