his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Two words: blizzard sex
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
