i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
