I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
