I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
You dont lie about slip and slides
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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