my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Blood and glitter go together right?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Randomize
