cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize