If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize