When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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