You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
i believe in u and ur pee
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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