I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
My ass is underappreciated
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
