Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
