the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
