I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
