You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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