Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
