I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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