Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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