She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
