I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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