Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
