I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Randomize
