I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
