you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
