Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
You ate ashes out of my bong
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
