his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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