I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
