I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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