My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
