i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
