Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
