im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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