this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
