Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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