I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
