She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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