Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Randomize
