yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
