So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize