Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
